shineone
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Kay_Dilla
BANNED
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- 19. September 2007
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hey wenns nunmal so ist. du hast keinen schreibstil, ich kann ja nichtmal sagen dass dein schreibstil mir nicht zusagt, du hast einfach keinen. daran ändert auch dein dämliches aufplustern des schwachsinnigen textes durch tausende adjektive und adverbe wie es ein unkreativer drittklässler macht nichts
BangLaDesch
Frischling
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- 1. Februar 2008
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Er hats vielleicht ein Wenig unpassend ausgedrückt, aber der Kern triffts, meiner Meinung nach.. Du benutzt soviele Worte, um eine Sache zu beschreiben, dass sie gar nicht mehr wirklich zur Geltung kommt. Manchmal ist weniger mehr..
Die Art, wie du die drei Männer beschreibst, hat mich anfänglich irgendwie an eine Mischung aus den grauen Herren aus Momo und den Revisoren von Terry Pratchett erinnert.
Am Ende, nachdem ich damit angefangen hatte, jeweils nur ein Adjektiv pro beschriebenem Gegenstand zu beachten, konnt ichs dann ganz gut lesen, bloß wars dann auch schon vorbei.
Obwohl du viel geschrieben hast, hast du einen Augenblick beschrieben, der allerhöchstens 10 Minuten lang war. Das ist natürlich ansich nichts tragisches, aber während deiner 10 Minuten passiert eigentlich nichts. XY trifft auf drei ominöse, schwarz gekleidete Gestalten, die ihm irgendetwas Seltsames mitteilen, woraufhin er in einer anderen Dimension landet und.. Nichts..
Also.. nimms nicht persönlich, aber ich fands total mies.
merge
am Start
- Registriert
- 14. November 2007
- Beiträge
- 144
mit tragik hat eine kurzgeschichte tatsächlich nichts zu tun (im übrigen wird "tragisches" groß geschrieben...).
schon einmal etwas von erzählzeit und erzählter zeit gehört - zeitdehnendes erzählen etc.? anscheinend ist man es nicht mehr gewöhnt, länger als zwingend erforderlich über einen "augenblick" n a c h z u d e n k e n.
hast du toxoplasma im hirn, oder was?
mir geht es echt langsam auf den sack, wenn leute ständig irgendwelche perversen parallelen ziehen müssen zwischen allen möglichen dingen. "ja, das klingt so und das klingt wie das, was ich schon einmal gelesen habe etc." interessiert kein schwein, was du bereits gelsen hast.
alles ist einzigartig!
Der Chaot
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Wir lachen
das hab ich mal geschrieben, aus nem älteren ordner ausgekramt... düfte so an die 2 jahre alt sein
Hallo. Ich bin ein Mensch. Du kennst mich nicht. Das spielt allerdings keine Rolle, da man immer wieder Menschen treffen wird, die man nicht kennenlernt. Ich laufe auf der Strasse. Manchmal schau ich mir die anderen Menschen an. Sie laufen in ihren Gedanken versunken durch die Stadt. Manche laufen schnell, manche laufen langsam. Wenn ich einem Menschen in die Augen sehe, rinnt mir manchmal eine Träne über meine trockene Haut. Meine Haut ist meistens trocken, da ich mein Gesicht nicht allzuoft wasche. Ich bin zwar kein pragmatischer Mensch, doch meine Haut ist mir nicht so wichtig. Hülle. Manchmal bewegt sich diese Hülle nicht und ich sitze nur da und mache mir Gedanken. Gedanken über Scheisse. Diese Scheisse entsteht durch mein Gehirn. Mein Gehirn produziert zuviel Scheisse. Scheisse, ich brauche ein neues Gehirn. Wenn ich jedoch an einem frischen, leicht vernebelten Frühlingstag durch die Stadt laufe und mir die ganzen lachenden Gesichter der Menschen anschaue, verspüre ich ein Glücksgefühl, welches sich jedoch innerhalb kurzer Zeit in ein nostalgisches Trauergefühl verwandeln kann. Ich unterschätze mich selbst. Ich setze mir die Maske auf. Gib mir deine Maske oder ich reiss sie dir vom Gesicht! Ich bin enttäuscht von dir. Warum lässt du mich alleine? Du verfolgst mich. Warum tust du das? Der Himmel ist grau und ich falle in ein Loch. "Hallo, Clown! Nein, ich habe keine Angst vor dir." Zitternd stehe ich da. Der Clown lacht mich aus. Seine roten Haare brennen. Seine geschminkten Augen spucken Gift auf mich, ich ertrinke schonwieder in der Scheisse meines Gehirnes. Dieses Leben liebe ich. Das macht mich glücklich. Ich brauche dich. Du liebst mich. Gib mir deine Hand. Ich will nicht sterben. Ich sterbe nicht. Ich weine nicht. Du weinst nicht. Wir lachen.
das hab ich mal geschrieben, aus nem älteren ordner ausgekramt... düfte so an die 2 jahre alt sein
Hallo. Ich bin ein Mensch. Du kennst mich nicht. Das spielt allerdings keine Rolle, da man immer wieder Menschen treffen wird, die man nicht kennenlernt. Ich laufe auf der Strasse. Manchmal schau ich mir die anderen Menschen an. Sie laufen in ihren Gedanken versunken durch die Stadt. Manche laufen schnell, manche laufen langsam. Wenn ich einem Menschen in die Augen sehe, rinnt mir manchmal eine Träne über meine trockene Haut. Meine Haut ist meistens trocken, da ich mein Gesicht nicht allzuoft wasche. Ich bin zwar kein pragmatischer Mensch, doch meine Haut ist mir nicht so wichtig. Hülle. Manchmal bewegt sich diese Hülle nicht und ich sitze nur da und mache mir Gedanken. Gedanken über Scheisse. Diese Scheisse entsteht durch mein Gehirn. Mein Gehirn produziert zuviel Scheisse. Scheisse, ich brauche ein neues Gehirn. Wenn ich jedoch an einem frischen, leicht vernebelten Frühlingstag durch die Stadt laufe und mir die ganzen lachenden Gesichter der Menschen anschaue, verspüre ich ein Glücksgefühl, welches sich jedoch innerhalb kurzer Zeit in ein nostalgisches Trauergefühl verwandeln kann. Ich unterschätze mich selbst. Ich setze mir die Maske auf. Gib mir deine Maske oder ich reiss sie dir vom Gesicht! Ich bin enttäuscht von dir. Warum lässt du mich alleine? Du verfolgst mich. Warum tust du das? Der Himmel ist grau und ich falle in ein Loch. "Hallo, Clown! Nein, ich habe keine Angst vor dir." Zitternd stehe ich da. Der Clown lacht mich aus. Seine roten Haare brennen. Seine geschminkten Augen spucken Gift auf mich, ich ertrinke schonwieder in der Scheisse meines Gehirnes. Dieses Leben liebe ich. Das macht mich glücklich. Ich brauche dich. Du liebst mich. Gib mir deine Hand. Ich will nicht sterben. Ich sterbe nicht. Ich weine nicht. Du weinst nicht. Wir lachen.
SpokenWord
Altgedient
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- 7. März 2006
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öhhh das bezieht sich noch auf shineones geschichte:
es stimmt schon, das gerade "anfänger" sich leicht dazu hinreißen lassen zu viele adjektive benutzen weil sie es mit eloquenz bzw schreibstil verwechseln. das is weiß gott nich böse gemeint, aber sollte man sich vielleicht erst an komplexeren satzstrukturen versuchen, wenn die nötige souveränität da ist. gerade diese vielen adjektive verwaschen die atmorsphäre, die sich sonst in dieser recht bizarren szene aufbauen könnte. zumal sie nicht immer 100% auf den punkt geschrieben sind (zB fließt whiskey nicht golden die kehle herab - das klingt zu milde und angenehm) desweiteren solltest du versuchen wortwiederholungen zu vermeiden: irgendwo hast du geschrieben "... übernatürlich große kondenswassertropfen, die so groß waren ..." ich meine, dass sowas öfter vorkam. dabei fällt mir auf: relativsätze sind eine zu simple variante nen langen komplex anmutenden satz zu schreiben und klingen nicht so schön. natürlich ist nicht alles schlecht, ein gewisses gefühl für szenarie kann man der beschreibung der umgebung schon entnehmen. joa soviel zur technischen seite
zum inhalt: ich bin nicht sicher ob das thema für ne kurzgeschichte geeignet ist, da es so bizarr ist, dass es in dieser kurzen ausführung tatsächlich gar nichts aussagt. für das goteske als selbstzweck, ist es wiederum nicht verrückt genug. vielleicht hast du das konzept auch nicht zu ende gedacht und dich bisschen zu sehr in diesen beschreibungselementen verloren - jedenfalls blieb bei mir nach dem lesen vor allem... joa, gleichgültigkeit. ich denke jedem war klar, dass das lyrische ich die erste tür mit ner nummer 7 drauf aufmachen würde die es sieht - das ende war also seeeehr absehbar. das motiv der misteriösen männer mit undurchschabaren kräften und dunklen anzügen ist desweiteren genauso wenig neu wie ne tür die in der luft zu schweben scheint. alles in allem noch bisschen unausgegoren - wenn du dir folgende tipps zu herzen nimmst, würde es deinem nächsten text sicher ganz gut tun
- überleg dir vorher genau was du sagen willst. nicht nur die geschichte muss stehen, sondern auch die antwort auf die frage warum du sie schreibst. gehts wirklich nur um die handlung oder transportierst du eine gesellschaftsanalye, philosophie, oder zwischenmenschliche problematik (oder weiß der geier was)
- versuch auf den punkt zu schreiben. klar muss man nicht schnörkellos schreiben, oder darf die zeit dehnen, aber es sollte sich nicht in faselei verlieren. wenn du mit deinem text fertig bist geht ja erst die eigentliche arbeit los: die überarbeitung. stell jeden satz in frage und überleg ob er dem text wirklich dienlich ist
yoaa, das wars von meiner seite, vllt bin ich auch zu kleinkariert, aber dass sind alles so richtlinien, die ich auch mal lernen musste und die wirklich hilfreich sind
hoffe also es nützt dir was
es stimmt schon, das gerade "anfänger" sich leicht dazu hinreißen lassen zu viele adjektive benutzen weil sie es mit eloquenz bzw schreibstil verwechseln. das is weiß gott nich böse gemeint, aber sollte man sich vielleicht erst an komplexeren satzstrukturen versuchen, wenn die nötige souveränität da ist. gerade diese vielen adjektive verwaschen die atmorsphäre, die sich sonst in dieser recht bizarren szene aufbauen könnte. zumal sie nicht immer 100% auf den punkt geschrieben sind (zB fließt whiskey nicht golden die kehle herab - das klingt zu milde und angenehm) desweiteren solltest du versuchen wortwiederholungen zu vermeiden: irgendwo hast du geschrieben "... übernatürlich große kondenswassertropfen, die so groß waren ..." ich meine, dass sowas öfter vorkam. dabei fällt mir auf: relativsätze sind eine zu simple variante nen langen komplex anmutenden satz zu schreiben und klingen nicht so schön. natürlich ist nicht alles schlecht, ein gewisses gefühl für szenarie kann man der beschreibung der umgebung schon entnehmen. joa soviel zur technischen seite
zum inhalt: ich bin nicht sicher ob das thema für ne kurzgeschichte geeignet ist, da es so bizarr ist, dass es in dieser kurzen ausführung tatsächlich gar nichts aussagt. für das goteske als selbstzweck, ist es wiederum nicht verrückt genug. vielleicht hast du das konzept auch nicht zu ende gedacht und dich bisschen zu sehr in diesen beschreibungselementen verloren - jedenfalls blieb bei mir nach dem lesen vor allem... joa, gleichgültigkeit. ich denke jedem war klar, dass das lyrische ich die erste tür mit ner nummer 7 drauf aufmachen würde die es sieht - das ende war also seeeehr absehbar. das motiv der misteriösen männer mit undurchschabaren kräften und dunklen anzügen ist desweiteren genauso wenig neu wie ne tür die in der luft zu schweben scheint. alles in allem noch bisschen unausgegoren - wenn du dir folgende tipps zu herzen nimmst, würde es deinem nächsten text sicher ganz gut tun
- überleg dir vorher genau was du sagen willst. nicht nur die geschichte muss stehen, sondern auch die antwort auf die frage warum du sie schreibst. gehts wirklich nur um die handlung oder transportierst du eine gesellschaftsanalye, philosophie, oder zwischenmenschliche problematik (oder weiß der geier was)
- versuch auf den punkt zu schreiben. klar muss man nicht schnörkellos schreiben, oder darf die zeit dehnen, aber es sollte sich nicht in faselei verlieren. wenn du mit deinem text fertig bist geht ja erst die eigentliche arbeit los: die überarbeitung. stell jeden satz in frage und überleg ob er dem text wirklich dienlich ist
yoaa, das wars von meiner seite, vllt bin ich auch zu kleinkariert, aber dass sind alles so richtlinien, die ich auch mal lernen musste und die wirklich hilfreich sind
hoffe also es nützt dir was
SpokenWord
Altgedient
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netter schreibstil
du versuchst gar nicht erst hochgestchen zu reden und das gibt dem text ne sympathische und ungekünstelte note. darüber hinaus hast du, wie man ja auch an deinen raptexten sieht, das talent mit relativ simpler ausdrucksweise originell und frisch zu klingen.da sieht man mal, dass meine tipps die ich shineone gegeben habe, nicht zwingend auf jeden passen, denn dein text lebt schon sehr davon, dass er so intuitiv, aus dem gefühl heraus geschrieben ist
Der Chaot
ist hier aktiv
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- 14. Februar 2008
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netter schreibstil
da sieht man mal, dass meine tipps die ich shineone gegeben habe, nicht zwingend auf jeden passen, denn dein text lebt schon sehr davon, dass er so intuitiv, aus dem gefühl heraus geschrieben ist
danke danke
is schon etwas älter, werd vielleicht demnächst mal wat neues schreiben, auch nich so'n seltsames thema
MrAeko
Administrator:in
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- 19. Dezember 2003
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Hab ich mal in der Oberstufe für den Englisch LK schreiben müssen.
Ist etwas länger aber kam damals gut an
PS: Wer sagt "zu lang" blablabla der sollte sich mal anschauen was Edgar Allan Poe in seiner Abhandlung über die Länge von Literatur geschrieben hat.
The Cat
Chris was walking along the well-cemented, clean street, with absolutely no cracks in it and his face was dark like the walls in an old ore-mine. A little stone lay at the side of the street and he kicked it away with all the power he could bring up. It was obvious that his thoughts and feelings were not nice and that he was very unhappy. ”Another F in Mathematics, I can study as much as I want, I never get a good grade…I hate school and If Mum wasn’t always telling me to stay inside, I would have longest dropped out.” he thought. The eyes of the boy were damp and he left the street and moved on the cast track that led to the house where he lived together with his mother. The track was muddy, wet and there were much slop on it, he could see the traces of car-tires in the muddy ground and his feet made a chuckling sound when they stepped into the sludge, pushing it to the side. He walked silently towards his houses’ porch, happier now, looking forward to his favorite hobby: To catch up on the plants and animals which he only knows from videos and pictures. The boy started to step up because he wanted to finally be in his room, but suddenly he stopped abruptly, frozen, his eyes torn open and his mouth unclosed, looking at the little thing sitting at the top stair of his houses’ porch, looking at him with it’s golden eyes, it’s tail swung around it’s feet sitting there silently, it’s black fur glistening in the warm sun, it’s posture majestic. “It…It…It can’t be! I must be dreaming! I know that they don’t exist anymore, not even one of them, but it is so real!” Chris said hushed. “I have to find out if I’m seeing ghosts or if it’s another dumb joke made by one of my classmates.” he thought and started to move very slow, minding not to make any noise and no hectic motions and approached the cat on his porch. “Don’t be afraid little cat, I don’t want to harm you, please stay” he whispered, the black cat was just examining him with its golden eyes very attentively, not moving. When Chris was just close enough to touch the cat and reached out his hand, the black animal jumped from the stair and ran into the holographic wood next to Chris’ house. The Boy wanted to follow it but he understood that there was no chance to retrieve it. “This cat was real! Oh my God it was real!” he with a loud, but sad voice. “I wanted to touch it and find out everything about it, why did it run away? I don’t know why, but I have to search this kitty after lunch and I feel that I will see it again,” he thought.
His mother appeared in the front door and said “Hi my baby! Your lunch is ready. Come in, I’ve been waiting for you!” Chris looked at her with a happy face, ran towards his mother and embraced her. “Mum, Mum, Mum! I just experienced the craziest thing in my life, I am so happy and I still can’t believe it! It was real, very real, no hologram or video, it lived!” he said with an excited, fast voice. “Ok Chris, now calm down and tell me everything, I don’t know what you are talking about. WHAT was real?” she said with a calm voice and a smile on her face. “Mum, it is so amazing, you won’t believe it! I just walked towards our house and I saw a black cat sitting on the porch! I couldn’t believe it so I approached it and I was so close I could almost touch it! Mum! I saw a living cat!” Chris reported. “Oh Chris. Come On! Not again, one of your fantasy stories about animals or plants that are no holograms! You know that this is not true; we don’t have any animals or plants that live in our world anymore. It was just a vanity that tricked your senses. Now step inside, the lunch is getting cold.” his mother said with a severe voice. The boy knew that it was senseless to try to convince his mother that it was not a hallucination and so he went in and sat at the table.
After lunch, he went up in his room and started with his homework but his thoughts were all around the little black cat and he couldn’t write down one clear sentence in the essay his English Teacher wants him to write as homework. “I know that the encounter with the cat was not a hallucination of my fantasy. This cat was real, it was no robot or holographic animal and I need to go and search it, otherwise I can’t go to sleep for the next 3 weeks.” he thought resolutely.
Chris stopped thinking about the Immigration Laws of 2021 and switched his computer off. He went down the stairs, through the kitchen and went outside on the porch. His mother sat there in her rocking chair and read a novel. “You are going out? Darling it is 5 PM and I don’t want you to be outside that long,” she murmured without looking up from her book. “But mum…” Chris protested. “No contradiction son! You are 13 years old and so you have to follow my orders and I say that you are here again in three hours, alright?” his mother said with a loud and penetrating voice because she knew that he didn’t like this. Without saying a word, the boy stepped off the porch and headed right into the holographic forest where he suspected the cat.
He looked at the trees, ferns, bushes and other holographic plants. “I always thought that the scientists had created a very realistic, similar clone of the plants and animals they’ve destroyed before but after the encounter with the cat these computer images look like they were drawn by a four year old child….Technology will never beat the work of nature.” He thought and went on. The total silence and smell of fresh rain made Chris think and he wiped the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand. Even at that time of day the sun was brutally hot, the holographic trees may looked real but they didn’t spend any shadow. The boy was walking through the forest aimless because he didn’t really now where to search his black cat and he didn’t have the time to take the Holotrain to the next city and after he had walked over streets and muddy paths for an hour, he returned to the house, annoyed, sad and frustrated.
As he stepped on the porch of the house, his mother was not sitting there any more and he went to the door to go in and continue his essay. “Wait, don’t go in, I’m here!” a voice said. Chris turned around and looked on the cast track from which he came. The sun had gone under and dawn started, the environment began to turn dark, outlines blurred, melting into one black object and he couldn’t see much. “Mum? Is that you? Who said this?” the boy spoke with an unconfident voice. “No, I’m not your mother sweetheart. I’m right here, can’t you see me?” the voice whispered again, loud, clear, impressing, as if the speaker would sit directly in Chris’ head. “No, I can’t see anyone, who are you?” he answered, now knowing that his mother was inside the house and worked in the kitchen, the light fell out through the glass door and Chris could hear dishes clanking and clacking, his mum singing a tune. The young boy walked slowly along his porch, trying to look out in the darkness and to identify the bold intruder that played a game with him. “Come on Chris, it isn’t that hard isn’t it?” the voice said again with a laughter. ”I’m right HERE”. He heard something creak and recognized that his mother’s rocking chair was moving. Chris didn’t answer but moved slowly towards the dandling chair. Eyes yellow like amber appeared out of nowhere and looked at the boy; the voice said, “Ah, you finally found me”.
Ist etwas länger aber kam damals gut an
PS: Wer sagt "zu lang" blablabla der sollte sich mal anschauen was Edgar Allan Poe in seiner Abhandlung über die Länge von Literatur geschrieben hat.
The Cat
Chris was walking along the well-cemented, clean street, with absolutely no cracks in it and his face was dark like the walls in an old ore-mine. A little stone lay at the side of the street and he kicked it away with all the power he could bring up. It was obvious that his thoughts and feelings were not nice and that he was very unhappy. ”Another F in Mathematics, I can study as much as I want, I never get a good grade…I hate school and If Mum wasn’t always telling me to stay inside, I would have longest dropped out.” he thought. The eyes of the boy were damp and he left the street and moved on the cast track that led to the house where he lived together with his mother. The track was muddy, wet and there were much slop on it, he could see the traces of car-tires in the muddy ground and his feet made a chuckling sound when they stepped into the sludge, pushing it to the side. He walked silently towards his houses’ porch, happier now, looking forward to his favorite hobby: To catch up on the plants and animals which he only knows from videos and pictures. The boy started to step up because he wanted to finally be in his room, but suddenly he stopped abruptly, frozen, his eyes torn open and his mouth unclosed, looking at the little thing sitting at the top stair of his houses’ porch, looking at him with it’s golden eyes, it’s tail swung around it’s feet sitting there silently, it’s black fur glistening in the warm sun, it’s posture majestic. “It…It…It can’t be! I must be dreaming! I know that they don’t exist anymore, not even one of them, but it is so real!” Chris said hushed. “I have to find out if I’m seeing ghosts or if it’s another dumb joke made by one of my classmates.” he thought and started to move very slow, minding not to make any noise and no hectic motions and approached the cat on his porch. “Don’t be afraid little cat, I don’t want to harm you, please stay” he whispered, the black cat was just examining him with its golden eyes very attentively, not moving. When Chris was just close enough to touch the cat and reached out his hand, the black animal jumped from the stair and ran into the holographic wood next to Chris’ house. The Boy wanted to follow it but he understood that there was no chance to retrieve it. “This cat was real! Oh my God it was real!” he with a loud, but sad voice. “I wanted to touch it and find out everything about it, why did it run away? I don’t know why, but I have to search this kitty after lunch and I feel that I will see it again,” he thought.
His mother appeared in the front door and said “Hi my baby! Your lunch is ready. Come in, I’ve been waiting for you!” Chris looked at her with a happy face, ran towards his mother and embraced her. “Mum, Mum, Mum! I just experienced the craziest thing in my life, I am so happy and I still can’t believe it! It was real, very real, no hologram or video, it lived!” he said with an excited, fast voice. “Ok Chris, now calm down and tell me everything, I don’t know what you are talking about. WHAT was real?” she said with a calm voice and a smile on her face. “Mum, it is so amazing, you won’t believe it! I just walked towards our house and I saw a black cat sitting on the porch! I couldn’t believe it so I approached it and I was so close I could almost touch it! Mum! I saw a living cat!” Chris reported. “Oh Chris. Come On! Not again, one of your fantasy stories about animals or plants that are no holograms! You know that this is not true; we don’t have any animals or plants that live in our world anymore. It was just a vanity that tricked your senses. Now step inside, the lunch is getting cold.” his mother said with a severe voice. The boy knew that it was senseless to try to convince his mother that it was not a hallucination and so he went in and sat at the table.
After lunch, he went up in his room and started with his homework but his thoughts were all around the little black cat and he couldn’t write down one clear sentence in the essay his English Teacher wants him to write as homework. “I know that the encounter with the cat was not a hallucination of my fantasy. This cat was real, it was no robot or holographic animal and I need to go and search it, otherwise I can’t go to sleep for the next 3 weeks.” he thought resolutely.
Chris stopped thinking about the Immigration Laws of 2021 and switched his computer off. He went down the stairs, through the kitchen and went outside on the porch. His mother sat there in her rocking chair and read a novel. “You are going out? Darling it is 5 PM and I don’t want you to be outside that long,” she murmured without looking up from her book. “But mum…” Chris protested. “No contradiction son! You are 13 years old and so you have to follow my orders and I say that you are here again in three hours, alright?” his mother said with a loud and penetrating voice because she knew that he didn’t like this. Without saying a word, the boy stepped off the porch and headed right into the holographic forest where he suspected the cat.
He looked at the trees, ferns, bushes and other holographic plants. “I always thought that the scientists had created a very realistic, similar clone of the plants and animals they’ve destroyed before but after the encounter with the cat these computer images look like they were drawn by a four year old child….Technology will never beat the work of nature.” He thought and went on. The total silence and smell of fresh rain made Chris think and he wiped the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand. Even at that time of day the sun was brutally hot, the holographic trees may looked real but they didn’t spend any shadow. The boy was walking through the forest aimless because he didn’t really now where to search his black cat and he didn’t have the time to take the Holotrain to the next city and after he had walked over streets and muddy paths for an hour, he returned to the house, annoyed, sad and frustrated.
As he stepped on the porch of the house, his mother was not sitting there any more and he went to the door to go in and continue his essay. “Wait, don’t go in, I’m here!” a voice said. Chris turned around and looked on the cast track from which he came. The sun had gone under and dawn started, the environment began to turn dark, outlines blurred, melting into one black object and he couldn’t see much. “Mum? Is that you? Who said this?” the boy spoke with an unconfident voice. “No, I’m not your mother sweetheart. I’m right here, can’t you see me?” the voice whispered again, loud, clear, impressing, as if the speaker would sit directly in Chris’ head. “No, I can’t see anyone, who are you?” he answered, now knowing that his mother was inside the house and worked in the kitchen, the light fell out through the glass door and Chris could hear dishes clanking and clacking, his mum singing a tune. The young boy walked slowly along his porch, trying to look out in the darkness and to identify the bold intruder that played a game with him. “Come on Chris, it isn’t that hard isn’t it?” the voice said again with a laughter. ”I’m right HERE”. He heard something creak and recognized that his mother’s rocking chair was moving. Chris didn’t answer but moved slowly towards the dandling chair. Eyes yellow like amber appeared out of nowhere and looked at the boy; the voice said, “Ah, you finally found me”.
MrAeko
Administrator:in
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- 19. Dezember 2003
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Chris’ heart pounded fast and heavy and he was so scared that he couldn’t move a muscle. He shrieked and sniveled quietly, twinkled, but the eyes didn’t disappear, they were still there, examining him without any haste, looking clearly at his shivering body. “Chris? Is everything ok darling?” his mother asked from inside the house and the question was like an alarm in the silence, waking Chris up from his jolt. “Y-Yes…Everything ok mum” he stuttered, staring at the amber-golden eyes in the dark.
“Ok, but don’t stay outside that long, it’s getting cold at night.” His mother continued but didn’t get an answer. “Have you calmed down Chris?” the eyes asked. “I didn’t want to shock you that much; I thought you would recognize me. We met this noon, remember?” the voice said, looking at Chris with its eyes. Chris was still shocked but he was able to move again and he sat down and tried to compose his heavy beating heart. “You…You are the cat, right? But why do you speak with me?” he whispered. “Oh, that’s a long story and I don’t have the time to explain everything to you, let’s just say that a little bit of fallout can change a lot, ok?” the cat said with a happy voice and hopped down the rocking chair and nuzzled against the boy’s legs, purring inwardly.
Chris started to fondle the cat and he felt overwhelmed by the soft sensation of the cat’s fur. “But I…No, everybody thought that neither animal nor plant would exist in this world?” he asked interested, still fondling the little animal.
“That’s the point. We never died out, but you were too blind to see us. It’s never good to believe what some scientists say without verifying if it is true. Nevertheless, enough of that, follow me, I want to show you something.” said the cat and jumped off the porch. Chris didn’t have the time to tell his mother that he’s going out because the cat ran very fast and he had to haste to not to lose its trace. In the meantime, it got totally dark and the boy could hardly see what lay in front of him. He was not sure if the cat was still there or if he had lost it on the way but he just kept walking. “Just walk straight forward Chris, you don’t need to see something,” the cat said suddenly somewhere in front of him. He felt like he was blind and lost his seeing-eye dog and so he had to rely on his other senses. Chris could hear sounds from a distance, but he was not able to allocate them to something he knew. These sounds were new. “Don’t be scared little friend, we’ve almost made it” his black leader told him and he could hear its little paws rushing over the unpaved ground, making hushed, inward sounds and he followed the little animal by walking faster.
Suddenly the darkness gave way slowly and he was able to see more and more as he approached a little glade in the holographic forest. As Chris stepped out of the holographic jungle and stood at the edge of the glade, he held his breath and stared at the group of animals that had assembled near the power generator, which provided the electricity for the holographic plants and shone brightly through the night. The boy felt like a child in a toy factory when he saw all the animals that he knew from videos, pictures and holographic projections. Dogs were playing around, barking, yipping, panting, a few other cats with beautiful patterns in their furs were sleeping, budgies and parrots were sitting on a metal bar, singing and screeching, their wonderful plumage shining in the bright light of the generator. As he looked onward he could discovered a little pond in which frogs were croaking and fish swimming around, a mice family had settled in an old spool and in the back a huge brown bear was laying on his back and snorted peacefully. All the new impressions, sounds and feelings made the boy feel numb and he was enthusiastic about the fact that none of the animals tried to kill another. This contradicted to the things he had learned in school about the food chain and that some animals simply hunted others. The whole scenery was a place of peace and harmony. “That’s what I wanted to show you Chris,” said the black cat, again nestling to Chris’ leg.” We didn’t die out, and this place here is the proof. And now let’s talk about the point why I’ve contacted you: You love animals and we want to be newly-discovered by the humans because we know that it is not easy to learn about us from videos and all the stuff.” The black kitty said with an austere voice. He looked at the speaking cat and his facial expression could tell that he was confused and that he still couldn’t believe that he was talking with a cat on a realm that was full of animals which he had never seen alive before. “It feels like I’m in a bad movie….but it’s real” the boy thought and gazed at the cat. “Chris? Everything alright?” the cat asked and Chris felt like he had been aroused out of a dream. “What? Eh yeah, everything ok! Now what is it that you want me to do?” he answered quickly. The black animal looked at him leery but didn’t say anything about his behavior. “Ok Chris. It’s simple. We want you to go and tell all the other humans here that we exist. We don’t want to live unnoticed any more. However, be careful little boy. Besides us, there’s another group of animals that doesn’t want to be discovered and which hates the humans because they’ve destroyed everything. They’ll try to impede that you inform other humans so be alert ok?” the cat said and purred when Chris palmed her head. “And now go, we don’t have much time” it continued. “But…” he wanted to say something but he realized that it wouldn’t make sense to dissent the cats’ orders. The boy stood up and started to run back to his house. Despite the fact that he couldn’t see his own hand in front of his eyes because it had become darker he just kept running.
It was so still that you could have heard a pin drop .The only thing he heard was his himself, heavy breathing and snuffling, running along a muddy path, his feet making bubbling sounds. When he saw that the surrounding area becoming brighter, he knew that his house was near and started to speed up. “I have to tell mum that I was right and the animals are still existing” he thought when he ran towards the lighted house and recognized the open door. Chris knew that his mother always closed the door when it became dark and he stopped in front of the porch and started to eavesdrop. His mothers’ radio was still playing songs and all lamps and lights in the house were on. He approached the door and saw that it had tracks of scratches on it. The young boy hesitated to call his mother, he felt his stomach clenching, and the fear emerging, a black hand depositing and touching his soul, his heart pounding as if it was going to jump out of his body immediately when he walked through the broken door. The kitchen behind the door looked like a battleground. The table was broken into two parts, plates, knifes, forks and glasses were lying on the ground, the chairs toppled down and the kitchen window was broken. In all the mess, he couldn’t see any trace of his mother. Chris walked through the kitchen, shocked and not able to think clearly, his thoughts were spinning around in his head and his hands were trembling like a leaf. He looked around in the room and noticed that the back door that leads out to the fields behind his house had been torn out and the doorframe was broken. At the floor, he saw a puddle of blood that led outside and the fear took control of his body completely. Chris turned around and ran out the door, jumped down the porch and plummeted, got up and just ran down the cast track towards the street, his face wet of tears and his sight blurry. The only thought that was in his mind at this time was “Other people…I need to get help…other people” and he started to murmur these words while he was running. The short cast track led to the well-serviced main street from which it was only a short distance to the city. Chris was running as if a swarm of bees was chasing him and the adrenalin allowed him to rush without a break. His face was wet of tears and the fresh wind cooled his warmed up body. Chris didn’t realize that he was moving on the middle of the street where, during the day, hundreds of cars were driving into the city in a huge avalanche. He kept running, still shocked, crying and trembling, his whole body felt numb, not feeling the bleeding wound on his right leg. Suddenly a pair of headlights that seemed to be huge monsters eyes in the dark night appeared at the horizon behind Chris and moved towards the hasting boy. It caught up on Chris fast and he still didn’t notice that something was behind him, even though the cars headlights lighted the way 3 meters further than he was walking. When the car suddenly switched on his siren and the red and blue lights as well as the noisy screaming were clanging out into the night, the boy suddenly startled as if he woke up out of a bad dream and stared at the police car very confused and perplexed.
“Ok, but don’t stay outside that long, it’s getting cold at night.” His mother continued but didn’t get an answer. “Have you calmed down Chris?” the eyes asked. “I didn’t want to shock you that much; I thought you would recognize me. We met this noon, remember?” the voice said, looking at Chris with its eyes. Chris was still shocked but he was able to move again and he sat down and tried to compose his heavy beating heart. “You…You are the cat, right? But why do you speak with me?” he whispered. “Oh, that’s a long story and I don’t have the time to explain everything to you, let’s just say that a little bit of fallout can change a lot, ok?” the cat said with a happy voice and hopped down the rocking chair and nuzzled against the boy’s legs, purring inwardly.
Chris started to fondle the cat and he felt overwhelmed by the soft sensation of the cat’s fur. “But I…No, everybody thought that neither animal nor plant would exist in this world?” he asked interested, still fondling the little animal.
“That’s the point. We never died out, but you were too blind to see us. It’s never good to believe what some scientists say without verifying if it is true. Nevertheless, enough of that, follow me, I want to show you something.” said the cat and jumped off the porch. Chris didn’t have the time to tell his mother that he’s going out because the cat ran very fast and he had to haste to not to lose its trace. In the meantime, it got totally dark and the boy could hardly see what lay in front of him. He was not sure if the cat was still there or if he had lost it on the way but he just kept walking. “Just walk straight forward Chris, you don’t need to see something,” the cat said suddenly somewhere in front of him. He felt like he was blind and lost his seeing-eye dog and so he had to rely on his other senses. Chris could hear sounds from a distance, but he was not able to allocate them to something he knew. These sounds were new. “Don’t be scared little friend, we’ve almost made it” his black leader told him and he could hear its little paws rushing over the unpaved ground, making hushed, inward sounds and he followed the little animal by walking faster.
Suddenly the darkness gave way slowly and he was able to see more and more as he approached a little glade in the holographic forest. As Chris stepped out of the holographic jungle and stood at the edge of the glade, he held his breath and stared at the group of animals that had assembled near the power generator, which provided the electricity for the holographic plants and shone brightly through the night. The boy felt like a child in a toy factory when he saw all the animals that he knew from videos, pictures and holographic projections. Dogs were playing around, barking, yipping, panting, a few other cats with beautiful patterns in their furs were sleeping, budgies and parrots were sitting on a metal bar, singing and screeching, their wonderful plumage shining in the bright light of the generator. As he looked onward he could discovered a little pond in which frogs were croaking and fish swimming around, a mice family had settled in an old spool and in the back a huge brown bear was laying on his back and snorted peacefully. All the new impressions, sounds and feelings made the boy feel numb and he was enthusiastic about the fact that none of the animals tried to kill another. This contradicted to the things he had learned in school about the food chain and that some animals simply hunted others. The whole scenery was a place of peace and harmony. “That’s what I wanted to show you Chris,” said the black cat, again nestling to Chris’ leg.” We didn’t die out, and this place here is the proof. And now let’s talk about the point why I’ve contacted you: You love animals and we want to be newly-discovered by the humans because we know that it is not easy to learn about us from videos and all the stuff.” The black kitty said with an austere voice. He looked at the speaking cat and his facial expression could tell that he was confused and that he still couldn’t believe that he was talking with a cat on a realm that was full of animals which he had never seen alive before. “It feels like I’m in a bad movie….but it’s real” the boy thought and gazed at the cat. “Chris? Everything alright?” the cat asked and Chris felt like he had been aroused out of a dream. “What? Eh yeah, everything ok! Now what is it that you want me to do?” he answered quickly. The black animal looked at him leery but didn’t say anything about his behavior. “Ok Chris. It’s simple. We want you to go and tell all the other humans here that we exist. We don’t want to live unnoticed any more. However, be careful little boy. Besides us, there’s another group of animals that doesn’t want to be discovered and which hates the humans because they’ve destroyed everything. They’ll try to impede that you inform other humans so be alert ok?” the cat said and purred when Chris palmed her head. “And now go, we don’t have much time” it continued. “But…” he wanted to say something but he realized that it wouldn’t make sense to dissent the cats’ orders. The boy stood up and started to run back to his house. Despite the fact that he couldn’t see his own hand in front of his eyes because it had become darker he just kept running.
It was so still that you could have heard a pin drop .The only thing he heard was his himself, heavy breathing and snuffling, running along a muddy path, his feet making bubbling sounds. When he saw that the surrounding area becoming brighter, he knew that his house was near and started to speed up. “I have to tell mum that I was right and the animals are still existing” he thought when he ran towards the lighted house and recognized the open door. Chris knew that his mother always closed the door when it became dark and he stopped in front of the porch and started to eavesdrop. His mothers’ radio was still playing songs and all lamps and lights in the house were on. He approached the door and saw that it had tracks of scratches on it. The young boy hesitated to call his mother, he felt his stomach clenching, and the fear emerging, a black hand depositing and touching his soul, his heart pounding as if it was going to jump out of his body immediately when he walked through the broken door. The kitchen behind the door looked like a battleground. The table was broken into two parts, plates, knifes, forks and glasses were lying on the ground, the chairs toppled down and the kitchen window was broken. In all the mess, he couldn’t see any trace of his mother. Chris walked through the kitchen, shocked and not able to think clearly, his thoughts were spinning around in his head and his hands were trembling like a leaf. He looked around in the room and noticed that the back door that leads out to the fields behind his house had been torn out and the doorframe was broken. At the floor, he saw a puddle of blood that led outside and the fear took control of his body completely. Chris turned around and ran out the door, jumped down the porch and plummeted, got up and just ran down the cast track towards the street, his face wet of tears and his sight blurry. The only thought that was in his mind at this time was “Other people…I need to get help…other people” and he started to murmur these words while he was running. The short cast track led to the well-serviced main street from which it was only a short distance to the city. Chris was running as if a swarm of bees was chasing him and the adrenalin allowed him to rush without a break. His face was wet of tears and the fresh wind cooled his warmed up body. Chris didn’t realize that he was moving on the middle of the street where, during the day, hundreds of cars were driving into the city in a huge avalanche. He kept running, still shocked, crying and trembling, his whole body felt numb, not feeling the bleeding wound on his right leg. Suddenly a pair of headlights that seemed to be huge monsters eyes in the dark night appeared at the horizon behind Chris and moved towards the hasting boy. It caught up on Chris fast and he still didn’t notice that something was behind him, even though the cars headlights lighted the way 3 meters further than he was walking. When the car suddenly switched on his siren and the red and blue lights as well as the noisy screaming were clanging out into the night, the boy suddenly startled as if he woke up out of a bad dream and stared at the police car very confused and perplexed.
MrAeko
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A police officer got off his car and walked towards the filthy and bemused boy. “What’s going on son? Do you want to get knocked over? You are walking in the middle of the street and the speed limit is 60 mph! Jesus Christ, you must be very confused” the officer said with a severe and worried voice. “Chris looked at him without saying a word. Although he thought the whole time about getting help to find his mother, suddenly the words of his black cat came back into his mind. “Hey young man! Can you hear me? Is everything alright?” the officer asked. The young boys face, colored by the red and blue of the police cars blue lamp was pallid and his eyes were still damp. Chris remembered his mission and started to talk “Yes, yes Sir! I’m just very happy because I have good news for all humans in this city!” The police officer looked at him distrustful. “Aha. So tell me your good news, I’m waiting!” he answered.
“Animals. It’s all about animals! They did not die out officer! Some animals have survived! I saw them all in the holographic forest near my house! Animals exist! Isn’t that wonderful officer? We need to go and inform the major and the News channels!” he babbled with a fast, excited voice, his eyes twinkling.“No, I think we need to inform the psychiatrists in the mental hospital. Another child that lost his mind…I’m sorry boy, you have to come with me” the officer said, grabbed Chris’ arm and tried to push him into his car. “NO!” shrieked Chris, started to wave about his arms, beat, and kicked the police officer. He hit the officers’ kneecap who grimaced under pain but kept pulling and pushing the little boy. “No, No, No! You have to believe me officer, please! I can show you the place where I saw them. Please!” screamed Chris. He looked up to the officer and started crying. “Ok boy. If I let you show me the place, will you stop lashing about?” the officer asked Chris with a calm voice. “Yes, I promise officer!” the boy responded. “Ok, now where is this place you talked about? And what’s your name?” the officer asked further. “My name is Chris. Their place is next to the power generator of the holographic wood there” answered the boy and pointed at the forest with his finger. The two got in the officers’ car, drove towards the generator and stopped 50 meters in front of it. Chris got out the car and ran to the realm, the police officer following him slowly. “Here is it…” said Chris and wanted to go on but suddenly he hushed and started to tremble like a leaf, his thoughts spinning around in his head and his body got stiff and he stuttered “ It…It can’t be. They were here; they lived here! I saw them!” The realm was totally empty, except of the power generator, making whirring sounds. There were no animals. No sleeping bears, no singing parrots, no playing mice and no purring cats. Nothing. The police officer laid his hands on Chris’ shoulders and said “Now where are your animals Chris? I’m sure you’ve just surmised that you saw them. I’ll bring you to a place where the doctors will help you, ok?” Chris felt empty. He didn’t feel anything but fear. Fear and Confusion about what he saw and what was not there now. As a result, he didn’t even know if he surmised all the animals or not. “But…But the cat! It spoke with me. I touched and fondled it! The animals even killed my mother officer! Please believe me!” he sniveled desperately. The police officer led Chris to the back of his car and let him get in. Chris didn’t resist. He just stared ahead, shocked, being out of breath. He didn’t know anything at this time. When the police car drove back to the street and the police officer informed the mental hospital that he was going to bring a child that lost his mind over the death of his mother, the boy felt as if he was dreaming. The voice of the officer echoed in his ears and he could see himself sitting in the back of the car, as if he was looking down from heaven. He fell asleep.
Chris woke up and opened his eyes. He didn’t know where he was neither what happened before. The room was completely white, the walls padded, looking like a huge pillow. He tried to sit up in his bed but he couldn’t move his arms. He rolled on his back and tried to see more of the rooms, the white light of the halogen lamp hurt his eyes, his arms feeling like they were dead. He looked out the only window of his room, small, with a lattice before it and gasped.
A black cat sat on the ledge and looked at him with its golden eyes.
Irgendwelche Fehler usw. sind wahrscheinlich noch drinnen, habs nicht korrigiert und würde wohl heute vieles anders machen.
“Animals. It’s all about animals! They did not die out officer! Some animals have survived! I saw them all in the holographic forest near my house! Animals exist! Isn’t that wonderful officer? We need to go and inform the major and the News channels!” he babbled with a fast, excited voice, his eyes twinkling.“No, I think we need to inform the psychiatrists in the mental hospital. Another child that lost his mind…I’m sorry boy, you have to come with me” the officer said, grabbed Chris’ arm and tried to push him into his car. “NO!” shrieked Chris, started to wave about his arms, beat, and kicked the police officer. He hit the officers’ kneecap who grimaced under pain but kept pulling and pushing the little boy. “No, No, No! You have to believe me officer, please! I can show you the place where I saw them. Please!” screamed Chris. He looked up to the officer and started crying. “Ok boy. If I let you show me the place, will you stop lashing about?” the officer asked Chris with a calm voice. “Yes, I promise officer!” the boy responded. “Ok, now where is this place you talked about? And what’s your name?” the officer asked further. “My name is Chris. Their place is next to the power generator of the holographic wood there” answered the boy and pointed at the forest with his finger. The two got in the officers’ car, drove towards the generator and stopped 50 meters in front of it. Chris got out the car and ran to the realm, the police officer following him slowly. “Here is it…” said Chris and wanted to go on but suddenly he hushed and started to tremble like a leaf, his thoughts spinning around in his head and his body got stiff and he stuttered “ It…It can’t be. They were here; they lived here! I saw them!” The realm was totally empty, except of the power generator, making whirring sounds. There were no animals. No sleeping bears, no singing parrots, no playing mice and no purring cats. Nothing. The police officer laid his hands on Chris’ shoulders and said “Now where are your animals Chris? I’m sure you’ve just surmised that you saw them. I’ll bring you to a place where the doctors will help you, ok?” Chris felt empty. He didn’t feel anything but fear. Fear and Confusion about what he saw and what was not there now. As a result, he didn’t even know if he surmised all the animals or not. “But…But the cat! It spoke with me. I touched and fondled it! The animals even killed my mother officer! Please believe me!” he sniveled desperately. The police officer led Chris to the back of his car and let him get in. Chris didn’t resist. He just stared ahead, shocked, being out of breath. He didn’t know anything at this time. When the police car drove back to the street and the police officer informed the mental hospital that he was going to bring a child that lost his mind over the death of his mother, the boy felt as if he was dreaming. The voice of the officer echoed in his ears and he could see himself sitting in the back of the car, as if he was looking down from heaven. He fell asleep.
Chris woke up and opened his eyes. He didn’t know where he was neither what happened before. The room was completely white, the walls padded, looking like a huge pillow. He tried to sit up in his bed but he couldn’t move his arms. He rolled on his back and tried to see more of the rooms, the white light of the halogen lamp hurt his eyes, his arms feeling like they were dead. He looked out the only window of his room, small, with a lattice before it and gasped.
A black cat sat on the ledge and looked at him with its golden eyes.
Irgendwelche Fehler usw. sind wahrscheinlich noch drinnen, habs nicht korrigiert und würde wohl heute vieles anders machen.
shineone
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es sind ne menge fehler drin, nur mal so am rande.
merge
am Start
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ach, ich weiß auch nicht.
"ja, also...töff...man muss schon so und so schreiben, um gut zu schreiben (oh weh, gerade wieder so eine böse wortwiederholung...)." mein lieber herr gesangsverein! sich die harzreise von heine kaufen um anschließend alles rot anzustreichen, was nicht nach bukowski klingt, ist echt eine außergewöhnliche verhaltensweise!
ich bin heute übrigens 6 stunden auf der leipziger buchmesse rumgelatscht. mitgenommen habe ich mir: "Eine Liebe im Sechsachteltakt - Der große abgeschlossene Schicksalsroman von Robert Fork" (Helge Schneider) ...na hoffentlich hat er die syntaxregeln beachtet - ansonsten kann ich das teil ja gleich inne ecke schmeißen! grmpf!
ich werde mal die relativsätze zählen!
Kinners, Kollendorf war ein lustiger Mensch!!!
"ja, also...töff...man muss schon so und so schreiben, um gut zu schreiben (oh weh, gerade wieder so eine böse wortwiederholung...
)." mein lieber herr gesangsverein! sich die harzreise von heine kaufen um anschließend alles rot anzustreichen, was nicht nach bukowski klingt, ist echt eine außergewöhnliche verhaltensweise!ich bin heute übrigens 6 stunden auf der leipziger buchmesse rumgelatscht. mitgenommen habe ich mir: "Eine Liebe im Sechsachteltakt - Der große abgeschlossene Schicksalsroman von Robert Fork" (Helge Schneider) ...na hoffentlich hat er die syntaxregeln beachtet - ansonsten kann ich das teil ja gleich inne ecke schmeißen! grmpf!
ich werde mal die relativsätze zählen!
Kinners, Kollendorf war ein lustiger Mensch!!!
shineone
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du muesstest es mal von nem native speaker korrigieren lassen.
bin einer.
MrAeko
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ich find's ganz interessant aeko. die idee und geschichte an sich sind ganz gut. aber viele fehler, du muesstest es mal von nem native speaker korrigieren lassen.
Wie gesagt, das war lange vor meinem Studium, ich glaube ich könnts selber nicht mehr lesen jetzt ohne mich aufzuregen. Da hatte ich wirklich noch nie mit nem Native gesprochen, mittlerweile siehts ja alles ganz anders aus mit Übersetzungskursen, Literaturdiskussionen und dem ganzen Bullenscheiss.